Seven Stages

There are seven stages of grief that a person goes through when they lose a loved one.

1.   Shock and Denial

2.   Pain and Guilt

3.   Anger and Bargaining

4.   Depression, Reflection, Loneliness

5.   Upward Turn

6.   Reconstruction and Working Through

7.   Acceptance and Hope

 

When I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis I found myself going through these same stages. 

My symptoms began in December of 2008 with an extremely itchy face.  It would itch so bad that it began to turn red and burn from me scratching it so much.  I didn’t wear make up for a few days to try and soothe my face from the irritation, but nothing was helping.  I went through all my products at home trying to see if it was some type of allergic reaction, but I could find anything that seemed to cure this irritation.  I thought of going to the doctor, but how would that look if I went in and said my face is itching?  I thought they would look at me like I was crazy so I just dealt with it.  I would start the day out and try to trick my brain into thinking that my face didn’t itch.  As long as I didn’t start rubbing it, it seemed like it didn’t itch that badly unless I thought about it.   

I was wrapping up work one day in January 2009 and felt a headache coming on.  I took some ibuprofen and got in my car to drive home.  I got onto the freeway and BAMB!  Something popped in my head and I had an intense, throbbing, stabbing pain on the left side of my temple.  I squinted in pain, but continued driving thinking to myself this will go away in a minute, I just took some medicine.  It didn’t go away, it got worse to the point where I couldn’t keep my eyes open so I pulled over onto the shoulder, sobbing, rubbing the left side of my head trying to make it go away.  Nothing was helping.  I called my husband and told him what was going on and that I couldn’t drive and I needed his help.  Cars were speeding past me at 60 mph and it felt like an eternity before he got there.  I called my sister who has suffered from cluster headaches because the pain that I was feeling was exactly how she would describe her headaches.  She talked to me and tried to calm me down until I saw Reuben pull up behind me on the shoulder.

I continued to rub the left side of my head while he sat in the car with me calming me down.  We sat there for about 20 minutes and the pain finally subsided, but the left side of my face was numb from, what I thought, was me rubbing it so hard trying to make the pain go away.  We determined it was OK for me to drive home, but Reuben would stay close behind me so if something should happen he would be right there.  We made it home safely and our night went on as if everything was normal.

I awoke the next morning with the left side of my face completely numb.  WOW!  I really must have been rubbing it hard for this numbness to continue and still be there when I woke up the next day.  I got to work and told some co-workers what had happened and they all suggested I call the nurse line and ask them for advice.  I did just that and to my surprise the woman told me that I needed to have someone drive me directly into the emergency room because of the ordeal on the way home the previous day as well as the numbness in my face.  I didn’t think it was that big of a deal so I got all my work done for the day and they covered the 2^nd half of Reuben’s day.  We drove home in our individual vehicles and then Reuben took me up to the hospital to get checked out. 

I was checked in and they started running a bunch of tests on me.  It was getting late and we had an 11 month old son who was at daycare.  We called our daycare provider and told her what was going on because it was getting later in the day and she would be closing soon.  She said that she would be able to keep Ayden for the evening.  It was such a relief for her to take care of him for us because at this point I was getting scared and needed my husband there with me. 

It was later in the evening and the doctor came in and told me it could be one of two things. . . I could have Lyme Disease or I could have Multiple Sclerosis.  I thought to myself, Euww!  I was bit by a tick, I have Lyme Disease, give me an antibiotic and I will be on my way.  I never once thought I was going to have a chronic disease that I was going to have to deal with for the rest of my life.  He said it wasn’t that easy.  I had to go and see a neurologist and they would give me an official diagnosis from there.  I can remember so vividly Reuben asking the doctor what he thought it was if he had to make the diagnosis by himself right now.  The doctor said, “I believe it is Multiple Sclerosis.”  Yeah right was the thought in my head.  You have no idea what you are talking about.  I will go to the neurologist and he will tell me that you are wrong!      Shock and Denial

A few days later I was able to get in and see a neurologist who read my initial MRI from the emergency room visit and said he wanted to run some more blood work, do a more extensive MRI and a spinal tap.  Whoa!  This sounded a little extensive to be running all of these tests when I am sure I just have Lyme Disease!  It sounded outrageous, but you do what the doctor tells you to do.   Shock and Denial

There were some complications with the spinal tap, which hurt like hell, and I ended up spending the night in the hospital for observation.  I went into the neurologist the following week so that he could prescribe me the antibiotic that was going to take care of whatever was going on in my body, but had the shock of my life waiting for me.  “I am sorry, you have Multiple Sclerosis.”  What, me, Why? 

At that moment I began thinking of all the bad things that I had put my body through in my twenties.  Too much drinking, too much partying, too little sleep. . . What have I done to myself?  Pain and Guilt

Why me?  There are so many other people in this world that this could have happened to.  My guilt quickly turned into anger and I was pissed off at the world.  I never hurt anyone, I was just having fun and I just got my life turned around.  I was just promoted to being Human Resource Manager at work and I can’t let them know that I have this disease.  I have a wonderful husband and we just had our precious baby boy who was now almost one year old.  Anger and Bargaining

My life is over.  I am going to be in a wheelchair.  I am going to have to wear diapers and my husband is going to leave me.  What am I going to do?  I am going to loose my sight and become blind.  I am going to be in constant pain and I am going to need help in everything that I do, dependent on someone every day for the rest of my life.   Depression, Reflection, Loneliness

My neurologist suggested that I get on a preventative medication as soon as possible.  We went with Copaxone which is a daily injection that needs to be done around the same time every day for the rest of my life.  I was less than thrilled about sticking myself with a needle every day, but I was going to do whatever it took to stay healthy.  The nurse came out to out house and taught Reuben and I both how to do the shots on a small plastic dome that was supposed to feel like skin.  Then she told me that I needed to do it to myself.  My first shot was in my stomach.  It took me five minutes holding the syringe in my right hand, shaking, before I could squeeze the skin and stab the needle in.  It stung when the needle went in and then I depressed the syringe and felt the medicine as it went into my body.  This stung even more.  Finally, I took the needle out and I was done; at least for today.  I knew I was going to have to do this for the rest of my life, but it wasn’t terrible.  I could do this.  The Upward Turn

My husband and I decided we were going to have another child after we had Ayden and then when I was diagnosed with MS we weren’t sure if that was going to be possible.  I didn’t want to pass this along to my baby and make them go through this so we talked to my neurologist about it.  To our surprise he told us YES!  Get pregnant, stay pregnant!  He informed us that MS is not hereditary and when a woman gets pregnant and has MS all of her symptoms go away.  He told me that I would have to go off my Copaxone when we started trying to have a baby and the chances of having a flare up are high, but once I get pregnant then it holds MS at bay.  We were ecstatic to hear this news and I stopped the Copaxone treatment in August of 2009.  Reconstruction and Working Through 

In October 2009 we conceived our baby girl, Makayla.  Throughout my pregnancy I felt great and it was also nice not having to do those injections every evening.  I brought the Copaxone to the hospital with me when I went into labor because I knew that I had to go back on it right away.  Chances of a flare up after giving birth are high and I couldn’t risk that.  The good thing was I could still breast feed and be on this treatment.    Reconstruction and Working Through     

Now that our family is complete I wanted to include everyone in my journey with MS.  I started a walk team to raise money and awareness for Multiple Sclerosis and named it “Susie’s Stars”.  The first walk we participated in was in May of 2011.  Our team consisted of 18 people and we raised $1,296.50.  I made this team up just a few months before the walk and didn’t have a lot of time to do fundraising, but I think we did pretty well for our first year.  After the walk was completed my family and I decided to make this an annual tradition and do the MS walk every year.  This year we are a lot more prepared and are on track to raise over $3,000 to help find a cure for this terrible disease.  Acceptance and Hope

I have Multiple Sclerosis.  This is a fact that will never change until someone is able to find a cure.  I have gone through these seven stages with the help of God, my amazing family and awesome friends.  Multiple Sclerosis does not have me.